Tag Archives: clarity

Running In Place

My bipolar disorder causes me to experience something called racing thoughts.  Actually, racing doesn’t even begin to define what my brain is doing every waking moment of every day of my life.  Even when I say I’m going to lie down for a bit and rest or take a nap my mind is still racing.  I have racing thoughts while I’m showering, while I’m cleaning, when I’m feeding the dogs even when I’m talking on the phone.  My mind and thoughts are always racing and it gets to be pretty damned exhausting.

My racing thoughts make it hard for me to complete tasks despite how sincere my intentions are to finish them.  I can’t even begin to count the number of projects and personal commitments I have on my plate right now that are only half done because of my racing thoughts.  It doesn’t help that there are some things that I must do every day no matter what; record blood glucose readings, record what I eat, complete DBT diary cards, take my medication, I could go on but that’s enough to get an idea of what my day is like and to see how all of this contributes to my racing thought issues.  Just having to do these things daily is enough to send me into a tailspin of racing thoughts and it would seem that this would be enough for me but it never is.  In addition to the things I do daily I am always taking on more and more tasks to do, sadly many of them go unfinished.   Right now I have a half-finished blanket I’ve crocheted, I have my first novel that I started editing sitting unfinished, without finishing my first novel I’ve already started on my second one, I’ve been working on a book of short stories that consists of two undone novellas, and so on and so on.  I really do want to finish all of these things unfortunately my racing thoughts and mind only let me get to a certain point and then it seems that I just run out of steam.

It’s funny; you would think that a racing mind would be conducive to finishing things but, quite the opposite.  My mind races so much and so often that when I try to do something the myriad of musings that bombard me constantly has me throwing up my hands in frustration rather than crossing the finish line over and over on a regular basis.  Sometimes I just sit looking around in a stupor because I don’t know where to begin trying to tame and satisfy the constant buzzing in my brain.  Now everyone gets a little overwhelmed from time to time having things to do but nothing compares to true racing thoughts.  I have even tried using daily planners, hourly planners and setting alarms on my cell phone to try and make some sense and put some order to my racing thoughts but, often, this tends to have the opposite effect.  I get so worked up trying to stay on task or being on edge knowing that one of my many alarms may be going off at any moment that I find myself abandoning one thing after another out of sheer anxiety.  This just makes my racing thoughts move that much faster.

Racing thoughts are frustrating to me because they make me that much more distracted in general.  Already battling against myself to stay focused, racing thoughts make staying on point a Herculean task.  I have a hard time watching a movie or television program, reading, writing, holding a conversation to name only a few things that my racing thoughts interfere with.  Life is hard enough with all that we are told to like, buy, do, see, acquire, listen to and such but pair this with chronic racing thoughts and the world is a rambling chasm of constant overstimulation.  A lot of the time I wish I could just put my hands over my ears and close my eyes and make it all go away, unfortunately that wouldn’t help to calm my racing mind.  I’ve only found a couple of things to help me with this; medication and working on mindfulness.

Since I take medication for my bipolar disorder I already have a tool available to me to help quell my racing mind.  Another tool that I’ve learned I can have at my disposal, if I work at it, is mindfulness.  Mindfulness includes a lot of different things such as meditation, focusing on the moment, experiencing my feelings without judgement and, most importantly, working with one thought at a time.  This is not something that is a quick fix; I have to constantly work on being mindful so that I can gain some sort of control over my racing thoughts.  Under my breath I’m constantly telling myself to focus, sit still, do one thing at a time, finish this first, stop moving around and the list goes on.  At this moment, I’m trying to write, listen to a program on the National Geographic channel, absorb the smell coming from a fragrant candle, get ready for a visit from a longtime friend, drink a cup of hot chocolate and watch the birds eating bread outside my window; all this going on as a result of my racing thoughts.  Needless to say my focus level is on the negative side right now but I’m pushing on ahead like I do all the time.

It has taken me a matter of hours to write a measly thousand words all because of my racing thoughts and what they do to me.  Popping up and down like a jack-in-the-box and moving from one thing to another several times over these few hours has made getting this done pretty hard.  Though my goal the whole time was to complete this I’ve been unable to just sit in one place and work from start to finish.  Now that I can look back and see the progress I’m capable of it lets me see that even with this handicap I’m still quite a peach!

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Back At It

Bipolar disorder can be a bitch, thus the reason I haven’t posted anything to my blog since last July.  I was doing great and the ideas were flowing and I loved seeing the results of my productivity and focus and then, BAM, without warning; nothing.  It was like all the potential and creativity that I had in me just dried up and flew south.  Frustrating does not begin to describe the feeling of sitting down in front of the computer all set to peck out my next great revelation only to find that all the thoughts in my head were a garbled mess of nothingness.  I wanted to write, really I did, but nothing would happen.  I would wake up in the morning with the mindset that today would be the day and, just as quickly as it came; it was gone, back to the endless chasm of emptiness.   I ranted, I screamed, I cried, I did it all from one end of up to the dark side of down but nothing would make the ideas or expression come to fruition before my eyes.  I couldn’t understand what was happening.  I had been on a roll and I was so proud of myself.  I had endless reserves of gumption and I enjoyed what I was doing, I had the upper hand against my mental illness.  I had ‘mastered’ bipolar disorder and I vowed bipolar disorder would never again keep me paralyzed and confused and lost in a sea of uncertainty.  Hell, just looking at my blog I knew that I could beat this beast.  Surprise, surprise I couldn’t have been further from the truth.  That’s not the nature of bipolar disorder and that’s really not the way it works.  Even with all my reading and researching I didn’t want to realize that I would forever battle with bipolar disorder.  For a minute I believed that maybe it had gone away to the furthest recesses of my mind to be stored as an afterthought.  No.  Bipolar disorder will forever be my Achilles heel and I’m going to have to get to a place where I’m OK with that.  Having bipolar disorder doesn’t make me any less of a person than anyone else and the pitfalls that come with it don’t make me a failure.  I just have to work a little bit harder at life than some people and, actually, that’s OK.  That just strengthens my character and enhances my already engaging personality.  All I have to remember is that I have bipolar disorder, it doesn’t have me.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Conceptual Relativity

The fluidity of my spirit travels on the sunrise

covering the earth with energy drawing forth life that

elevates my consciousness and rewards me with the

secrets of the universe

I am carried into the bosom of mysteries as yet unrevealed

found within me waiting to be discovered by

seekers of true belief

Vibrations from the unknown penetrate my essence and

permeate my state of being requiring me to reflect upon my motives

for intentional naiveté towards levels of pure revelation due to

uncertainty and fear

Where can I find myself fully aware of the conception of my

relativity in the grandiosity of the sky

How do I exist autonomously interacting with the elements remaining

from my own reckless perception

The restraints of acceptance propel me to look inward and obtain

presence in a place where the emergence of positive identity is

elusive in the face of questioning

There is no complete understanding without reaching a plateau of

welcome objectivity

I open my arms wide and enjoy an influx of concentrated light that

brings with it the ability to breathe deeply and release any remnants of

toxicity that remain a hindrance to my acceleration through

the cosmos allowing me to change form and become what is

pure and undefiled

As a feather I lie back in the embrace of the wind and allow

myself to be transported to a place that has become manifest as

a result of my persistent thoughts of immortality arriving at the

comfortable void of exceptional sensory stimulation

I am where I should be in all the fullness of time and there is no

return to the physical oblivion of

emotional depravity

IMG-20120903-00211

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Come To My Safety

Image result for images of love

Allow me to love you beyond what you know

Trust me with your heart and enjoy ecstasy

exponentially spanning distance and time

in rapid succession of motion

pulling you towards all you ever searched for

Give me all of your fears and release your

subjection to unhappiness in the comfort

that is what you seek in eternity

Let me give you pleasure exceeding your deepest imagery

and accept the promise of serenity in the

safety of my solitude

Relinquish to me all your apprehension of what lies ahead

with uncertainty and present to me your essence

to calm with tenderness and the promise of

sweet pleasure abounding like the newness of spring

full of promise as the blooms that beckon the sunlight

for life

Rest in me when you are ready to leave behind the pain

of wanting and know that peace is where you feel me

on your soul

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Mental Clarity Rapture

I am grappling with my visions

wrestling with the perceived

metaphorical images that parade before my eyes

causing me to see

dimly

the light that’s supposed to be my guide through this

maze of confusion

Things look

wrong

moving in slow motion

gliding back and forth

tantalizingly deceptive

pulling at my consciousness

otherworldly, intangible

causing me visible grief

that tears at my soul making me surrender to my knees

I can’t stop holding my head

it’s spinning

out of control I fear that

if it leaves me the string of sanity will slip through my fingers

and I will float off into the abyss

Wandering through the cosmos aimlessly

my own voice is unfamiliar

the tongue spoken strange

all language is foreign

nothing makes sense

The state of life

clings precipitously between broken pieces that hang

suspended

on the vibration of the streaming breath

that holds me independently of myself

The rainbows are raining because the sky is void of much

needed comfort

The promises they bring have been broken

but still I grab their reins and push off rising to meet the sun

in

the midst of psychological storms

I see the visions dim and grey only shadows behind the veil

I strain but I am not stretched beyond my desire to

understand

I must know what it all means

not knowing I’m all alone feigning ignorance to save face

so my secret is safe with me

Fearing accusations of stupidity

lacking in intelligence

a light lit dimly from the outside in

Now I float with the clouds letting them penetrate me

and in ecstasy I cry out and let go

I am powerful and knowledgeable and

otherworldly

Now I smell of honey and nectar as I arrive in time

to that place where understanding is inherent

and I can see the birth of stars in my eyes

Now my words flow freely and I’m connected to

the gods

They come and they come and they come

and they fortify me and give life to my ranting

and

I move from disarray to order

from chaos to peace

Now I know that I know that I know

life keeps flowing

in my mind the clarity is blinding and I want to shout

it from the mountain that

it all makes sense

my redemption is sweet and the world around me

is heavenly and my doubts have been squelched by

the discoveries I’ve obtained from the depths of

my authentic self

these truths were always there

but my journey was necessary to help me

grasp the magnitude of my potential

and the worth of my existence

to show me that I can love myself

spread my wings and show all my

magnificent colors

lift my voice and proclaim

“I’m here”

I can stand stoically

Shoulders back

Chest held high

Breathing in the magnificence of my rebirth

There are no more obstacles

and all hesitation is in the past

the dark night of my soul is over and the brilliance of my

destiny shines like the sun

the fire is back in my veins

and I know that I know that I know

won’t be looking back

 

Tagged , , , , , ,