Category Archives: surrender

Grateful for Gratitude

A few weeks ago I decided to start a gratitude journal.  Instead of getting caught up in the highs and lows of my bipolar disorder I figured I’d redirect my focus and look at the good things working for me in life.  There was just one problem; I didn’t count on something getting in the way.  That something is borderline personality disorder.

In addition to my bipolar disorder I have a daily struggle to keep myself balanced because of my BPD.   In short, having borderline personality disorder means that I have a hard time living a life of balance.  It is my disorder inside a disorder and it can make life very complicated for me.  BPD is the reason I often overreact to any given situation and have ongoing unhealthy relationships and thought patterns.  I typically only see life in terms of black and white not realizing that life is full of areas of gray.  I tend to fly off the handle at seemingly benign situations and my interactions with people are often based on pure emotion which, in and of itself, is quite detrimental to living life on an even keel.  Borderline personality disorder can also make it hard for me to balance my emotions and react appropriately to them.  For instance, I can get happy about something good happening to me and instead of just being content with the situation; I may go out and spend money that I really can’t spare as a reaction to it.  If something upsets me I may go into a deep depression and start toying with thoughts of self-harm or even suicide.  Often when a relationship is unhealthy or toxic I may still try to keep the relationship going because; in my thought process, some relationship is better than no relationship.

Earlier I said that this is my disorder inside of a disorder; let me explain.  Bipolar disorder is characterized by intense highs and lows, mania and depression, light and dark.  Well borderline personality makes these instances even more intense. I often suffer from extended periods of anxiety and I have trouble with major bouts of low self-esteem and overall self-loathing.  The mania and depression of my bipolar disorder are made more intense as a result of my BPD.  Already being overly stimulated, borderline personality disorder can make me appear like the Incredible Hulk when it comes to emotions.  One minute I’m fine and the next minute, after seeing a disturbing story on the evening news, I’m a wasted pile of tears and despair.  I know, this may sound extreme but that’s the nature of borderline personality disorder.  BPD is a constant struggle to maintain emotional equilibrium and avoid unhealthy situations and relationships.

I say all of this to make the point that starting a gratitude journal was more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.  Because my view of reality is often skewed, it’s hard for me to be mindful and find things to be grateful for since I’m always in an extreme emotional state.  This being true, I was even more determined to be able to use mindfulness and find things in life to be grateful for no matter how small or mundane.  Even though mentally I tend to be in a state of flux, I have to realize that if I can compose myself and focus I’ll be able to see that there is just plain good in life.  I’ve decided that I will be grateful despite my diagnosis and I’m going to start that journal no matter what.

 

Image result for images of gratitude

 

 

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Getting Out Alive

Getting out alive

My spirit is full

and I’m running from myself

I meet me around every corner I turn

and the disappointment grows stronger

minute by minute

I’m looking for that one thing that will

save me from myself

on this journey that never ends

The road gets longer the more I travel

Where is my freedom? I beg the question

Crying out for salvation

exhausted and abused with no one

to

break my fall

now I am confounded and confused

my heart is broken

This moment feels like forever

The darkness is the brightest thing I see

Sneaking up behind myself I am startled

by the realization of my sorrow

in all its majesty reigning

over the kingdom of my plight

I have struggled long enough

and my resolve is gone

finally I give in and lie down

with the melancholy of my truth

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Glorious Submission

Just the thought of you sends me to dimensions unknown where my feelings

transcend time and space and each and every fiber of my being is

interlaced

with

heated reserves of lust that I must satisfy by being next to you

What you do

to me

internally

far surpasses all that I have ever experienced in my core

for

you have me captured in the beauty of the rapture you invoke

in all I am

You are decadent and delicious and I crave the sweetness in the

most tender recesses of your thickness

I desire to claim you in the best way

play with my emotions and arouse my senses because

you intrigue me and satisfy my curiosity and each time we meet the heat

rises

and it is truly unbelievable how you make me come alive

I am your ethereal captive caught in the orbit of your timeless existence

where passion is of a placid fashion

uncensored

unencumbered

unrivaled

unbridled

it is all that we want it to be here between you and me where totally

we can love

you are the fix that can ease my pain and help me regain all that was lost

when I was tossed to and fro not so long ago

In your warmth I feel safe and I rest in the solitude of your mercy

your embraces soothe my hungry soul

and any remnants of control I had are now in your hands

You are the gentle breeze that blows across my heart

calming all uncertainty making me open to the possibility of blissful eternity

Take me I am yours to have as your own

mold me as your needs arise so that I emanate with all you desire

and whatever may transpire is meant to be

You called me forth from the darkness with your presence and placed in me

the full essence

of your womanness and my acceptance was effortless

in the presence of your light

Move me

come through me

consume me

transmute me

You are my savior and I worship at your feet with all humility for the way

you rescued me from myself

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