Category Archives: overcoming

Running In Place

My bipolar disorder causes me to experience something called racing thoughts.  Actually, racing doesn’t even begin to define what my brain is doing every waking moment of every day of my life.  Even when I say I’m going to lie down for a bit and rest or take a nap my mind is still racing.  I have racing thoughts while I’m showering, while I’m cleaning, when I’m feeding the dogs even when I’m talking on the phone.  My mind and thoughts are always racing and it gets to be pretty damned exhausting.

My racing thoughts make it hard for me to complete tasks despite how sincere my intentions are to finish them.  I can’t even begin to count the number of projects and personal commitments I have on my plate right now that are only half done because of my racing thoughts.  It doesn’t help that there are some things that I must do every day no matter what; record blood glucose readings, record what I eat, complete DBT diary cards, take my medication, I could go on but that’s enough to get an idea of what my day is like and to see how all of this contributes to my racing thought issues.  Just having to do these things daily is enough to send me into a tailspin of racing thoughts and it would seem that this would be enough for me but it never is.  In addition to the things I do daily I am always taking on more and more tasks to do, sadly many of them go unfinished.   Right now I have a half-finished blanket I’ve crocheted, I have my first novel that I started editing sitting unfinished, without finishing my first novel I’ve already started on my second one, I’ve been working on a book of short stories that consists of two undone novellas, and so on and so on.  I really do want to finish all of these things unfortunately my racing thoughts and mind only let me get to a certain point and then it seems that I just run out of steam.

It’s funny; you would think that a racing mind would be conducive to finishing things but, quite the opposite.  My mind races so much and so often that when I try to do something the myriad of musings that bombard me constantly has me throwing up my hands in frustration rather than crossing the finish line over and over on a regular basis.  Sometimes I just sit looking around in a stupor because I don’t know where to begin trying to tame and satisfy the constant buzzing in my brain.  Now everyone gets a little overwhelmed from time to time having things to do but nothing compares to true racing thoughts.  I have even tried using daily planners, hourly planners and setting alarms on my cell phone to try and make some sense and put some order to my racing thoughts but, often, this tends to have the opposite effect.  I get so worked up trying to stay on task or being on edge knowing that one of my many alarms may be going off at any moment that I find myself abandoning one thing after another out of sheer anxiety.  This just makes my racing thoughts move that much faster.

Racing thoughts are frustrating to me because they make me that much more distracted in general.  Already battling against myself to stay focused, racing thoughts make staying on point a Herculean task.  I have a hard time watching a movie or television program, reading, writing, holding a conversation to name only a few things that my racing thoughts interfere with.  Life is hard enough with all that we are told to like, buy, do, see, acquire, listen to and such but pair this with chronic racing thoughts and the world is a rambling chasm of constant overstimulation.  A lot of the time I wish I could just put my hands over my ears and close my eyes and make it all go away, unfortunately that wouldn’t help to calm my racing mind.  I’ve only found a couple of things to help me with this; medication and working on mindfulness.

Since I take medication for my bipolar disorder I already have a tool available to me to help quell my racing mind.  Another tool that I’ve learned I can have at my disposal, if I work at it, is mindfulness.  Mindfulness includes a lot of different things such as meditation, focusing on the moment, experiencing my feelings without judgement and, most importantly, working with one thought at a time.  This is not something that is a quick fix; I have to constantly work on being mindful so that I can gain some sort of control over my racing thoughts.  Under my breath I’m constantly telling myself to focus, sit still, do one thing at a time, finish this first, stop moving around and the list goes on.  At this moment, I’m trying to write, listen to a program on the National Geographic channel, absorb the smell coming from a fragrant candle, get ready for a visit from a longtime friend, drink a cup of hot chocolate and watch the birds eating bread outside my window; all this going on as a result of my racing thoughts.  Needless to say my focus level is on the negative side right now but I’m pushing on ahead like I do all the time.

It has taken me a matter of hours to write a measly thousand words all because of my racing thoughts and what they do to me.  Popping up and down like a jack-in-the-box and moving from one thing to another several times over these few hours has made getting this done pretty hard.  Though my goal the whole time was to complete this I’ve been unable to just sit in one place and work from start to finish.  Now that I can look back and see the progress I’m capable of it lets me see that even with this handicap I’m still quite a peach!

 

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Grateful for Gratitude

A few weeks ago I decided to start a gratitude journal.  Instead of getting caught up in the highs and lows of my bipolar disorder I figured I’d redirect my focus and look at the good things working for me in life.  There was just one problem; I didn’t count on something getting in the way.  That something is borderline personality disorder.

In addition to my bipolar disorder I have a daily struggle to keep myself balanced because of my BPD.   In short, having borderline personality disorder means that I have a hard time living a life of balance.  It is my disorder inside a disorder and it can make life very complicated for me.  BPD is the reason I often overreact to any given situation and have ongoing unhealthy relationships and thought patterns.  I typically only see life in terms of black and white not realizing that life is full of areas of gray.  I tend to fly off the handle at seemingly benign situations and my interactions with people are often based on pure emotion which, in and of itself, is quite detrimental to living life on an even keel.  Borderline personality disorder can also make it hard for me to balance my emotions and react appropriately to them.  For instance, I can get happy about something good happening to me and instead of just being content with the situation; I may go out and spend money that I really can’t spare as a reaction to it.  If something upsets me I may go into a deep depression and start toying with thoughts of self-harm or even suicide.  Often when a relationship is unhealthy or toxic I may still try to keep the relationship going because; in my thought process, some relationship is better than no relationship.

Earlier I said that this is my disorder inside of a disorder; let me explain.  Bipolar disorder is characterized by intense highs and lows, mania and depression, light and dark.  Well borderline personality makes these instances even more intense. I often suffer from extended periods of anxiety and I have trouble with major bouts of low self-esteem and overall self-loathing.  The mania and depression of my bipolar disorder are made more intense as a result of my BPD.  Already being overly stimulated, borderline personality disorder can make me appear like the Incredible Hulk when it comes to emotions.  One minute I’m fine and the next minute, after seeing a disturbing story on the evening news, I’m a wasted pile of tears and despair.  I know, this may sound extreme but that’s the nature of borderline personality disorder.  BPD is a constant struggle to maintain emotional equilibrium and avoid unhealthy situations and relationships.

I say all of this to make the point that starting a gratitude journal was more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.  Because my view of reality is often skewed, it’s hard for me to be mindful and find things to be grateful for since I’m always in an extreme emotional state.  This being true, I was even more determined to be able to use mindfulness and find things in life to be grateful for no matter how small or mundane.  Even though mentally I tend to be in a state of flux, I have to realize that if I can compose myself and focus I’ll be able to see that there is just plain good in life.  I’ve decided that I will be grateful despite my diagnosis and I’m going to start that journal no matter what.

 

Image result for images of gratitude

 

 

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Back At It

Bipolar disorder can be a bitch, thus the reason I haven’t posted anything to my blog since last July.  I was doing great and the ideas were flowing and I loved seeing the results of my productivity and focus and then, BAM, without warning; nothing.  It was like all the potential and creativity that I had in me just dried up and flew south.  Frustrating does not begin to describe the feeling of sitting down in front of the computer all set to peck out my next great revelation only to find that all the thoughts in my head were a garbled mess of nothingness.  I wanted to write, really I did, but nothing would happen.  I would wake up in the morning with the mindset that today would be the day and, just as quickly as it came; it was gone, back to the endless chasm of emptiness.   I ranted, I screamed, I cried, I did it all from one end of up to the dark side of down but nothing would make the ideas or expression come to fruition before my eyes.  I couldn’t understand what was happening.  I had been on a roll and I was so proud of myself.  I had endless reserves of gumption and I enjoyed what I was doing, I had the upper hand against my mental illness.  I had ‘mastered’ bipolar disorder and I vowed bipolar disorder would never again keep me paralyzed and confused and lost in a sea of uncertainty.  Hell, just looking at my blog I knew that I could beat this beast.  Surprise, surprise I couldn’t have been further from the truth.  That’s not the nature of bipolar disorder and that’s really not the way it works.  Even with all my reading and researching I didn’t want to realize that I would forever battle with bipolar disorder.  For a minute I believed that maybe it had gone away to the furthest recesses of my mind to be stored as an afterthought.  No.  Bipolar disorder will forever be my Achilles heel and I’m going to have to get to a place where I’m OK with that.  Having bipolar disorder doesn’t make me any less of a person than anyone else and the pitfalls that come with it don’t make me a failure.  I just have to work a little bit harder at life than some people and, actually, that’s OK.  That just strengthens my character and enhances my already engaging personality.  All I have to remember is that I have bipolar disorder, it doesn’t have me.

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Making Diamonds In The Dark

I’ve got barely enough and I’m trying to make it there

the road is dark and lonely but I’m pushing through

alone

in the silence

wondering if anyone is out there

Is someone standing on the outside looking in

pulling my strings

controlling my universe while I use all my energies

trying to find daylight

I can feel it pressing in around me and the air is

thick and dirty brown and

the silence

the silence

the silence

is deafening

and

frightening

and I want to scream out but why am I apologizing

or begging for mercy

or looking for help that doesn’t come

this is all about me

or so it appears

an example, a challenge, a secret bet

on the outcome of a giving heart

that is only fully loved by itself

dying slowly as it gives to the point

where the soul is no longer connected

but lost to the place where it found peace

it only drips with skepticism and distrust

The road stretches endlessly before me with no

signs for direction

no

still

small

voice to guide

a whisper on the wind with an outstretched hand beckoning

come in from the cold

I’m running from myself and mirrors because I don’t like

what I see

and I don’t know where to find the

it

that I need

and all my questions seem to be rhetorical

answering

themselves before they leave my mouth

my mind pulls me forward on its own running

with reserves of memory of what used to be

and the comforts of imagined normalcy

I’m tired and willingly give in to the fight that never ends

I hear the voices all around me and the images bombard

my subconscious world tormenting me in the unrest that I can’t define

in worldly terms

every waking moment I shake from the bone-chilling frost stored

in my physical reserves where it waits for the moment when

my vulnerability is at its highest and it puts me on emotional ice that

cuts my flesh leaving lacerations that bleed the sick bile of loneliness

If I could touch this darkness with my hands

rip it apart with my fingers

throw it into the abyss

so it would be gone

but for now

this moment

it is my domain

Love and family 136

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