Category Archives: me

My Fight with Anxiety

I have been in a constant state of anxiety for several days now.  My heart and thoughts are racing, I’m grinding my teeth, my sleep has been broken, I’m irritable and I can’t stop catastrophizing every situation I think about.  The most worrisome part of my anxiety is that my hallucinations are working overtime.  Not only am I hearing my ‘people’ (voices) again; I am also dealing with moderate visual hallucinations.  All I want to do is escape and find a quiet place where the world can’t touch me and I can curl up in a ball and be left alone.  I don’t want to deal with anything right now and I don’t want to face any of my fears.

The voices I experience have been with me as far back as I can remember.  The best way I can describe them is that one is a male and one is a female and they sit at the base of my brain just waiting to make life difficult for me.  They don’t have faces or anything like that; the way I see them is as silhouetted heads something like this…

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They are always there facing one another but I never see their lips move when they talk however I can always tell whether it’s the male or female communicating with me.  My voices never tell me to harm myself or others or do things that I normally wouldn’t do; they just like to have an input into my thought pattern when I’m stressed, anxious or overwhelmed.  We do have two-way conversations but no one would ever know this just to look at me.  The dialogue only goes on inside my head and my lips only actually move from time to time.  It sounds funny but that’s how our relationship is.  No, I am not psychotic nor do I suffer from any sort of schizophrenia.  I just experience these voices because of my bipolar disorder and my anxiety.

My visual hallucinations are not as significant as my voices.  Basically I see things move and run across the floor or dart across my field of vision.  I see things with my peripheral vision that aren’t there but I still turn to look as though they are as a knee-jerk reaction.  I have trouble with my visions, too, when I’m stressed and overwhelmed or when I’m overstimulated like I tend to be in the grocery store or large department stores.  All the colors and images and different sounds and smells make it a chore for me and it becomes nearly impossible for me to concentrate in this type of environment.

I can start feeling anxious out of the blue, however I have learned over the course of my mental illnesses to identify certain situations that may make me anxious.  I don’t like to be around a large group of people whether I know them or not.  It’s not so much the people but the barrage of images and movements that make me anxious when I’m around a lot of people.  I can also be anxious in a small group of people if I don’t know the people in the group.  Unlike a large group, I can get to a point where I’m relatively OK in a small group once I get to know the other people though I still experience some anxiety.  New situations or how I perceive a new situation might go are two more times when I will experience a lot of anxiety.  I have to use a lot of self-talk when I’m going into a new situation so that I can get to a point where I can still function.  This is a fairly common situation for me seeing as new experiences are a part of daily life but because of this I’m often preoccupied and inside my own head.  I get anxious when I have to make a phone call I’ve never made before, opening new mail, driving to a destination I’ve never been to, watching the news on television and even praying.  I know right; yes, praying can cause me a great deal of anxiety.

It would seem that it would be easy to combat my anxiety if I know when I might be anxious or I can identify it when it comes but it’s not that easy.  Having anxiety and being aware of it doesn’t make it that easy to deal with.  Life would be so sweet if I could just identify the anxiety, label the source of it and then take the necessary steps to make it go away.  NOT!  It doesn’t work anything like that.  For some years I was on Xanax to help combat my anxiety however that was the worst thing that a not medicated, bipolar alcoholic/addict with borderline personality disorder could possibly do.  When I made the serious decision to get sober and deal with my mental illness I had to make the decision to go at my anxiety from a different direction.  Now I use both CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) tools to combat my bouts of anxiety.

The tools that I have been taught are not foolproof however they do help me to get a better hold on my anxiety when it comes.  I still shy away from many people and situations because of my anxiety but, at least now, I know that I can get passed it when I’m ready to.  I say ready because no matter how hard I may try to combat anxiety in any of its many forms, unless I’m ready to face whatever situation is giving me anxiety that anxiety will still be there.  Anxiety keeps me from experiencing many things in life that I’m positive are probably pretty amazing and I want to be a part of any number of them however my battle with anxiety will be ongoing and on my terms.  I just have to be patient with myself and that’s the best I can do.

 

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Running In Place

My bipolar disorder causes me to experience something called racing thoughts.  Actually, racing doesn’t even begin to define what my brain is doing every waking moment of every day of my life.  Even when I say I’m going to lie down for a bit and rest or take a nap my mind is still racing.  I have racing thoughts while I’m showering, while I’m cleaning, when I’m feeding the dogs even when I’m talking on the phone.  My mind and thoughts are always racing and it gets to be pretty damned exhausting.

My racing thoughts make it hard for me to complete tasks despite how sincere my intentions are to finish them.  I can’t even begin to count the number of projects and personal commitments I have on my plate right now that are only half done because of my racing thoughts.  It doesn’t help that there are some things that I must do every day no matter what; record blood glucose readings, record what I eat, complete DBT diary cards, take my medication, I could go on but that’s enough to get an idea of what my day is like and to see how all of this contributes to my racing thought issues.  Just having to do these things daily is enough to send me into a tailspin of racing thoughts and it would seem that this would be enough for me but it never is.  In addition to the things I do daily I am always taking on more and more tasks to do, sadly many of them go unfinished.   Right now I have a half-finished blanket I’ve crocheted, I have my first novel that I started editing sitting unfinished, without finishing my first novel I’ve already started on my second one, I’ve been working on a book of short stories that consists of two undone novellas, and so on and so on.  I really do want to finish all of these things unfortunately my racing thoughts and mind only let me get to a certain point and then it seems that I just run out of steam.

It’s funny; you would think that a racing mind would be conducive to finishing things but, quite the opposite.  My mind races so much and so often that when I try to do something the myriad of musings that bombard me constantly has me throwing up my hands in frustration rather than crossing the finish line over and over on a regular basis.  Sometimes I just sit looking around in a stupor because I don’t know where to begin trying to tame and satisfy the constant buzzing in my brain.  Now everyone gets a little overwhelmed from time to time having things to do but nothing compares to true racing thoughts.  I have even tried using daily planners, hourly planners and setting alarms on my cell phone to try and make some sense and put some order to my racing thoughts but, often, this tends to have the opposite effect.  I get so worked up trying to stay on task or being on edge knowing that one of my many alarms may be going off at any moment that I find myself abandoning one thing after another out of sheer anxiety.  This just makes my racing thoughts move that much faster.

Racing thoughts are frustrating to me because they make me that much more distracted in general.  Already battling against myself to stay focused, racing thoughts make staying on point a Herculean task.  I have a hard time watching a movie or television program, reading, writing, holding a conversation to name only a few things that my racing thoughts interfere with.  Life is hard enough with all that we are told to like, buy, do, see, acquire, listen to and such but pair this with chronic racing thoughts and the world is a rambling chasm of constant overstimulation.  A lot of the time I wish I could just put my hands over my ears and close my eyes and make it all go away, unfortunately that wouldn’t help to calm my racing mind.  I’ve only found a couple of things to help me with this; medication and working on mindfulness.

Since I take medication for my bipolar disorder I already have a tool available to me to help quell my racing mind.  Another tool that I’ve learned I can have at my disposal, if I work at it, is mindfulness.  Mindfulness includes a lot of different things such as meditation, focusing on the moment, experiencing my feelings without judgement and, most importantly, working with one thought at a time.  This is not something that is a quick fix; I have to constantly work on being mindful so that I can gain some sort of control over my racing thoughts.  Under my breath I’m constantly telling myself to focus, sit still, do one thing at a time, finish this first, stop moving around and the list goes on.  At this moment, I’m trying to write, listen to a program on the National Geographic channel, absorb the smell coming from a fragrant candle, get ready for a visit from a longtime friend, drink a cup of hot chocolate and watch the birds eating bread outside my window; all this going on as a result of my racing thoughts.  Needless to say my focus level is on the negative side right now but I’m pushing on ahead like I do all the time.

It has taken me a matter of hours to write a measly thousand words all because of my racing thoughts and what they do to me.  Popping up and down like a jack-in-the-box and moving from one thing to another several times over these few hours has made getting this done pretty hard.  Though my goal the whole time was to complete this I’ve been unable to just sit in one place and work from start to finish.  Now that I can look back and see the progress I’m capable of it lets me see that even with this handicap I’m still quite a peach!

 

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Grateful for Gratitude

A few weeks ago I decided to start a gratitude journal.  Instead of getting caught up in the highs and lows of my bipolar disorder I figured I’d redirect my focus and look at the good things working for me in life.  There was just one problem; I didn’t count on something getting in the way.  That something is borderline personality disorder.

In addition to my bipolar disorder I have a daily struggle to keep myself balanced because of my BPD.   In short, having borderline personality disorder means that I have a hard time living a life of balance.  It is my disorder inside a disorder and it can make life very complicated for me.  BPD is the reason I often overreact to any given situation and have ongoing unhealthy relationships and thought patterns.  I typically only see life in terms of black and white not realizing that life is full of areas of gray.  I tend to fly off the handle at seemingly benign situations and my interactions with people are often based on pure emotion which, in and of itself, is quite detrimental to living life on an even keel.  Borderline personality disorder can also make it hard for me to balance my emotions and react appropriately to them.  For instance, I can get happy about something good happening to me and instead of just being content with the situation; I may go out and spend money that I really can’t spare as a reaction to it.  If something upsets me I may go into a deep depression and start toying with thoughts of self-harm or even suicide.  Often when a relationship is unhealthy or toxic I may still try to keep the relationship going because; in my thought process, some relationship is better than no relationship.

Earlier I said that this is my disorder inside of a disorder; let me explain.  Bipolar disorder is characterized by intense highs and lows, mania and depression, light and dark.  Well borderline personality makes these instances even more intense. I often suffer from extended periods of anxiety and I have trouble with major bouts of low self-esteem and overall self-loathing.  The mania and depression of my bipolar disorder are made more intense as a result of my BPD.  Already being overly stimulated, borderline personality disorder can make me appear like the Incredible Hulk when it comes to emotions.  One minute I’m fine and the next minute, after seeing a disturbing story on the evening news, I’m a wasted pile of tears and despair.  I know, this may sound extreme but that’s the nature of borderline personality disorder.  BPD is a constant struggle to maintain emotional equilibrium and avoid unhealthy situations and relationships.

I say all of this to make the point that starting a gratitude journal was more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.  Because my view of reality is often skewed, it’s hard for me to be mindful and find things to be grateful for since I’m always in an extreme emotional state.  This being true, I was even more determined to be able to use mindfulness and find things in life to be grateful for no matter how small or mundane.  Even though mentally I tend to be in a state of flux, I have to realize that if I can compose myself and focus I’ll be able to see that there is just plain good in life.  I’ve decided that I will be grateful despite my diagnosis and I’m going to start that journal no matter what.

 

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The Nuts and Bolts of Me

When we got the assignment to introduce ourselves, I was thrilled.  I thought this is going to be a cinch, but then I really started thinking about what was being asked of us and I was actually stumped.  This assignment is much deeper for me than I could have ever imagined.  I’ve never been asked, point blank, who I am and why I’m here.  I thought about the simple answers of being a daughter, sister, aunt, partner, friend, and etc. until I reread the instructions and realized that I needed to dig a bit deeper than this.  I struggled over and over just to get started so instead of driving myself up a wall trying to be ‘perfect’; I have a major problem with perfection, I decided to just jump in and put it all out there.

My name is Kelli-Lynn and I started my blog, Showcasing She, because I am an artist and I wanted to find a platform to share my work.  As a painter I’m still learning and growing.  What I create is mostly abstract or still-life and I’m ok with that for now.  I am also a poet and I absolutely adore when the Muses visit me and I create some pretty cool stuff.  I like sharing what I create and I like looking back over my creations in amazement every time because I truly believe I go to another state of consciousness when my works take on their life.  I am also a writer of short stories and erotica.  Some people may judge the fact that I write erotica but I see this as just another form of artistic expression.  This leads into the name of my blog.

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I chose Showcasing She because I wanted to highlight my work as a woman with all my different elements.  My blog gives me the freedom to be me and do me on my own terms.  Although I am unable to post my racier works, I am still able to use my blog to enlighten, entertain, inform and invite readers into my multi-faceted world with all its imperfections and silly quirks.  Initially I thought I would just use my blog as an artistic outlet but the more I checked out other blogs in the community I found that I could do even more good by opening my life to other people and telling my life stories.  I have recently been writing about being a recovering addict and living with bipolar disorder.  I look forward to writing more on these subjects and many others that affect me such as my journey to find my place in the world, how it feels to have a multi-racial background and how it affects how people treat me and what the creative process is for me.  I guess I don’t have just one thing to blog about, I just want to write and create and welcome other people to go with me down this road of writing and sharing.

I started a blog some years ago before my current one but I was not consistent with it at all.  I eventually deactivated it and put blogging out of my mind until a few years back however it wasn’t until recently that I became more consistent with Showcasing She.  I hope that by doing these assignments and networking with other people I can grow as a person and, hopefully, something that I share will help someone or give them hope or even make them laugh or smile a bit.  I guess it’s on now.  Let’s get this party started.

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