Category Archives: journey

Grateful for Gratitude

A few weeks ago I decided to start a gratitude journal.  Instead of getting caught up in the highs and lows of my bipolar disorder I figured I’d redirect my focus and look at the good things working for me in life.  There was just one problem; I didn’t count on something getting in the way.  That something is borderline personality disorder.

In addition to my bipolar disorder I have a daily struggle to keep myself balanced because of my BPD.   In short, having borderline personality disorder means that I have a hard time living a life of balance.  It is my disorder inside a disorder and it can make life very complicated for me.  BPD is the reason I often overreact to any given situation and have ongoing unhealthy relationships and thought patterns.  I typically only see life in terms of black and white not realizing that life is full of areas of gray.  I tend to fly off the handle at seemingly benign situations and my interactions with people are often based on pure emotion which, in and of itself, is quite detrimental to living life on an even keel.  Borderline personality disorder can also make it hard for me to balance my emotions and react appropriately to them.  For instance, I can get happy about something good happening to me and instead of just being content with the situation; I may go out and spend money that I really can’t spare as a reaction to it.  If something upsets me I may go into a deep depression and start toying with thoughts of self-harm or even suicide.  Often when a relationship is unhealthy or toxic I may still try to keep the relationship going because; in my thought process, some relationship is better than no relationship.

Earlier I said that this is my disorder inside of a disorder; let me explain.  Bipolar disorder is characterized by intense highs and lows, mania and depression, light and dark.  Well borderline personality makes these instances even more intense. I often suffer from extended periods of anxiety and I have trouble with major bouts of low self-esteem and overall self-loathing.  The mania and depression of my bipolar disorder are made more intense as a result of my BPD.  Already being overly stimulated, borderline personality disorder can make me appear like the Incredible Hulk when it comes to emotions.  One minute I’m fine and the next minute, after seeing a disturbing story on the evening news, I’m a wasted pile of tears and despair.  I know, this may sound extreme but that’s the nature of borderline personality disorder.  BPD is a constant struggle to maintain emotional equilibrium and avoid unhealthy situations and relationships.

I say all of this to make the point that starting a gratitude journal was more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.  Because my view of reality is often skewed, it’s hard for me to be mindful and find things to be grateful for since I’m always in an extreme emotional state.  This being true, I was even more determined to be able to use mindfulness and find things in life to be grateful for no matter how small or mundane.  Even though mentally I tend to be in a state of flux, I have to realize that if I can compose myself and focus I’ll be able to see that there is just plain good in life.  I’ve decided that I will be grateful despite my diagnosis and I’m going to start that journal no matter what.

 

Image result for images of gratitude

 

 

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Riding Darkness

In the darkness

in the throes of brooding silence

while the night comes alive

and the grass grows

where quiet wraps itself around me

and shields me from the distractions of the day

the beguiling of my conscious rationalizations rises

I feel it deep in my soul and it moves me to tears

In the darkness

where the questions and uncertainties falter together; lurking

speaking to my childhood creating doubts and worries

born of a fabricated past of actions

Nothing is as it appears

In the darkness my thoughts are my own

I am alone with the vibrations that bring my creativity

and the angels speak

and the melodies of all creation play in the trees

I am afraid in the darkness

unsure of myself, shunning all introspection keeping secrets

from the light and running from Evil

crying out for deliverance

looking for a place to hide from it all

I laugh hysterically in the darkness

sorry for unrealized dreams, where my heart breaks and

the weight of the world kills my aspirations and my frustrations

take me to the edge of Death

nothing makes sense here and I am confused

In the darkness I run for broken promises and regrets

that leave gaping wounds of despair

hugging myself tightly with all the brutality of real love

knowing that a foothold will bring me stability

Day comes

and

I am no longer

in the darkness

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