My old ‘About…’ was pretty thin and, quite frankly, lazy. After visiting other blogs and learning about others in the community I think I need to be more honest and transparent when telling about myself, who I am and what really drives me in life. I am an author, artist and poet. I love to create because that is who I am and what I do and I love sharing what I do with others.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder many years ago and that bears heavily on how and what I create. There are days, and nights, when I want nothing more than to succumb to the Muses but my bipolar disorder takes over and I end up lying in bed, frustrated, hating myself for being so weak. On days when creativity flows from me I’m on top of the world and I forget that I’m dealing with a mental illness. All in all I hate having this disorder. I hate the medications, I hate therapy, I hate going to group, and I hate having to work so hard at life. I hate the fact that it is a constant struggle to sit still long enough to do anything because my anxiety and lack of concentration keeps me on edge to the point that I get on my own nerves. I hate that bipolar disorder affects my creativity.
I am also a recovering alcoholic/addict. Yep, I really did just put that out there. I’ve struggled on and off with alcoholism and drug abuse for years as a result of my bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder looks different for different people. For me it manifests itself showing all the textbook characteristics of the disorder but it also keeps me struggling with alcohol and drugs in an attempt to feel some relief. This time around I’ve got nearly eleven months sober; the longest time sober I’ve ever had since I started drinking and using, however I can’t say that I like the way it feels. I pretty much justify my relapses by pointing out that many famous artists, actors, musicians, etc. struggle(d) with some sort of disorder and addiction and that the two go hand in hand. In my rational mind I know that that is distorted thinking but that’s my addictive thought pattern. Unfortunately, to be honest with myself I resent having to abstain from what I love. I hate that other people can use alcohol and drugs in moderation or socially with no real repercussions while I have to struggle to sit on the sidelines and keep myself clean. I pray for the day when I no longer have a liking or desire for these things that are only detrimental to me. Until then I’m just going to be easy with myself and embrace this opportunity for a better life. No, I don’t have to stay sober but if I want to be around on this planet for any amount of time it’s the wisest option.
I say this because in addition to my bipolar disorder I have diabetes, hypothyroid disorder (also can complicate bipolar disorder), hypertension, pernicious anemia (another aggravation to bipolar disorder) and I came out on the better side of a neuroendocrine gastrinoma. I also have gastrointestinal issues as a result of surgery to remove my gastrinoma which necessitated the need to remove a portion of my stomach and my small intestine. I also take about twenty-three medications a day; I think that’s the number, who really counts after you get into the double digits? It is work for me daily to stay healthy and reprogram my mind to accept that I need to stay clean and sober. In the meantime I seek out my creativity to help me express what I’m going through and what is going on in my heart, mind and soul.
I’m so grateful for this platform to express myself along with any thoughts and feelings I may have. I’m grateful to the people who have visited my blog and to my followers. I would love to move on to the next step of having my work published, etc. but until that happens I’m happy to continue sharing my stuff here with you all. As always, please enjoy your time here.